The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
