Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
