i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
