I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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