Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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