even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
