the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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