so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She bit a glass in half.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
