WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
