Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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