oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
