Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
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my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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