I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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