she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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