I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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