You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
