I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
