So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize