guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
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Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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