bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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