i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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