Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I AM VODKA MAN
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
