Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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