Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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