just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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