you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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