I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
