Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
