Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you had me at cake vodka
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
