Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
