pop tarts are not kleenex
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
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thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
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Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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