he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
