Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
