Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
