ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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