i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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