Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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