I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.