Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack