i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
