i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
