shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
