You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
