dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
