At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
