Where did you get a picture of my penis
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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