My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
