Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Randomize
