Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
