I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
