Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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