life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Randomize
