Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
