I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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