My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
