I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
