I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
