do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
