Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
