Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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