he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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