I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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