There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
